Better to have loved and lost
by MadameSutcliff
Summary: Grell had everything he wanted, until it was ripped away from him. His mangled soul finds its way to another but can he be saved? I suck at summaries, bad. Yaoi/boyXboy love, don't like don't read, rated M for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Hai guys :3 So this is my first black butler fic, I just finished watching the anime and am now reading the manga and I am in love 3 particularly with Grell and Undertaker, for obvious reasons. So, please be gentle, I really hope you all enjoy it, I already have the first six chapters written so I will be updating regularly. **

**Sadly, I do not own black butler or any of its characters. Maybe that is a good thing though xD**

**Enjoy! **

It had been a truly awful day..

Grell Sutcliff thought, in the past, that he had experienced what one would call a bad day. Long days at work, arguments with Will, painful battles that left even worse scars, he'd experienced it all. But nothing could ever compare with _that_ day.

He wandered aimlessly through the snow-covered streets of London in a bit of a shock-like state. He had none of his usual enthusiasm; he was completely blank, his green eyes dull and staring straight ahead. He moved forward mechanically, like a robot, or a zombie. For anyone who knew Grell, the sight would have been very unsettling.

The sky above him was dark, the frigid wind whipping around him viciously. He was faintly spattered with dark red blood and his pale skin was marred by bruises. He shivered violently, his vision beginning to blur a bit; the temperature was rapidly dropping and he was rapidly deteriorating. He stumbled and fell forward, having no strength left to cling to. His body gave out, his mind already long gone. He curled up on his side, his shivering had stopped and his skin was turning slightly blue. _This is how I die._ He closed his eyes, and everything around him faded to black, then to bright crimson; the color he'd always loved so, how ironic that it would mock him as he took his final breath.

It was much later that Grell was astonished to find he was still alive. Well, maybe not alive, but in existence. Odd, he knew he had no soul and there was no afterlife for him; had he been wrong?

He listened hard, because that was about all he could do at the moment. He couldn't sense his body, so he wasn't sure if he still had it. But he felt warm and very comfortable. He couldn't remember a thing; what had happened that had led him to be in this state? Was he murdered in his sleep? He racked his brain but kept coming up empty. For several minutes there was no sound at all, just silence, and he was about to drift out again when an oddly familiar voice, one that sent a jolt through him and gave him a small sense of feeling in his chest, gaining the realization that he was indeed still alive. He stayed perfectly still and focused on the soft voice.

"Ah, young Earl, to what do I owe this pleasure? Finally ready for your fitting?"

"No, I assure you I am quite alright as I am."

Another voice, this one familiar as well. The next one that spoke brought even more realization back to him, almost too much, for he could sense that all was not well, his mind felt tormented, mangled, fried; he just didn't know why.

"Actually we have come to see if the rumors were true; from the looks of it, it seems they were, tis truly a terrible thing for a reaper to take his own life."  
Upon those words, Grell remembered, just in time to wish he never had.

_William, oh William.._

He was seeing it all again, as if it was happening again. He could feel the pain when he was struck, hear the screaming, the agony, the gunshot ringing out..

He had no idea he had begun screaming and writhing on the bed, tangling his long crimson hair and the sheets around his small body; this only added to the terror, making him believe he was trapped, unable to escape from reliving his worst nightmare.

Somewhere in the back of his head, he could hear a voice, one of the voices from before, soft and smooth like velvet. It was trying to coax him out of the prison that was his mind, but he couldn't see past his fear, he couldn't sense anything outside of his horrifying memory. He thrashed wildly for a few minutes, but before long, his already exhausted body began to lose what little reserve of strength it had and he had no choice but to calm down. The voice became more clear as the nightmare faded, and the hand that was gripping and gently shaking his trembling shoulders brought him back around; he finally managed to open his eyes a bit and take in his surroundings. The first thing he recognized was the person who was now leaning over him, his long sliver hair draped over the reapers body, an uncharacteristic frown on his face. He looked into Grell's teary eyes through his thick silver bangs and pressed a hand tenderly to the younger man's forehead. He tsked and shook his head a bit.

"You're burning up m'dear. It seems you've went and got yourself ill in the snowstorm."

Grell didn't speak; he was utterly petrified, afraid to even breathe. Undertaker noticed this and he cackled, standing up and giving the redhead some room to breathe.

"It's alright Red, I'm not gonna box you up in a coffin or nothin' like that. You need to relax or you'll have a heart attack."

Grell continued to stare silently at his apparent savior. He was bewildered, and maybe a bit delirious from the fever, but he didn't seem to quite understand what was going on. He wasn't aware there was anyone else in the room until Sebastian spoke up, his voice causing the reaper to flinch.

"Well, this type of behavior is most unlike you Grell. You seem to be quite troubled by this turn of events. I almost wish you would bound about and fuss over me as you normally do so that we would know you are still of sound mind." Sebastian turned to Undertaker and lowered his voice "Why has this troubled him so? I know he was fond of Will, but I never knew he was this attached."

"Aye" Undertaker replied with a grin "It seems the two of them shared a sacred bond. Very emotional beings, us reapers are, though only with one another. We get attached quite easily." Undertaker began bustling around the shop humming to himself a bit, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Grell was already asleep again, or maybe he'd fainted, but he was shivering a bit. Undertaker pulled a thick blanket from one of the many cabinets and carried it over to where the redhead lay, draping it over him and feeling his forehead again to find his fever had yet to go down. "Yes, I'll have to wake him in a bit if it doesn't get better."

"So, this sacred bond you speak of, I take it that it is a big deal among your kind?"

"Indeed, once it is made it cannot be broken, the reapers who made it cannot be separated or the one left standing will slowly waste away and die." As always, talk of death seemed to excite the silver haired man, but he seemed a bit troubled; perhaps he was a bit attached to the redhead as well. "Well, I suppose there's nothing we can do now, you two best get going before night falls." Much to Ciel's dismay Undertaker swooped over to him and ran a long black fingernail along the young boy's cheek. "Wouldn't want nothin' to happen to you, now would we?"

Ciel sighed and batted the man's hand away, gesturing to Sebastian lazily "Fine, let us go then Sebastian."

Sebastian bowed low "Yes, my lord." He then turned to Undertaker. "Do take care; I imagine we will be seeing you soon." With that the two exited the shop, closing the door softly behind them. Undertaker cackled softly to himself then went to check on Grell once again; it seemed the man's fever was rising even more. It was rare for a reaper to fall ill, it only happened when they suffered severe physical and emotional distress at the same time, and when they did fall ill it was quite harsh on them. He frowned and whipped up an herbal remedy quickly, mixing it in with some hot tea. He then sat down on a stool beside the redhead and shook his shoulder gently to wake him. "Aye Red, wake up."

Grell opened his eyes slowly and looked around, though it was clear that he was very delirious now. He smacked himself in the forehead and then yanked on the ends of his hair a few times, his eyes glazed and distant. "Wha..? Where are you, hello?"

Undertaker stroked the other man's hair gently, hoping to keep him calm. "Now now, it's alright Red. Can you sit up a bit? You need to drink this." He held out the small red cup that was full of piping hot tea. Grell struggled for a few moments and found he was too weak to push himself up even a little. He shook his head a few times and closed his eyes. "I can't…I'm dying."

Undertaker flinched a little inwardly at his words, but he just chuckled softly on the outside and patted the smaller man's head. "No, you're not dying m'dear, you're just rather ill. This will help you if you can drink it." Slowly and carefully so as not to frighten him, Undertaker placed his arm behind Grell's shoulders and lifted him up a bit, supporting his weight easily, and lifted the tea cup to his lips, urging the redhead to drink a bit. "Here now, it will feel good to you, just drink it slowly, then you can go back to sleep." Grell nodded very slightly and slowly sipped the tea, moaning lightly in pleasure as the warm liquid soothed his throat and warmed his chilled body. After a few minutes he had finished it and Undertaker laid him back down, covering him again with the blanket and moving his crimson hair out of his face. He then dipped a small cloth in a bowl of cold water and wrung it out, then proceeded to bathe Grell's face gently with it. Again, the reaper let out a small moan; he kept going from freezing to feeling as if he was being burned alive, and right now was the latter, so the coolness came as a relief, as did Undertaker's soothing voice.

"There now, you just rest your pretty little head, you'll be back to yourself in no time, I'll make sure of that." Grell was fast asleep before the older man had finished speaking, his breathing slow and even. He seemed so relaxed and peaceful, and his face "So beautiful." Undertaker whispered to himself, a bit shocked by the words coming from his own mouth "Huh. Dunno where that came from." He thought for a moment then shrugged and went about his work, staying up to keep a close eye on the other reaper occupying his couch.

If he really planned to nurse this one back to health, he knew he was in for a hell of a trip.

**Thanks for reading :3 and please review if you liked it, or if you didn't, I welcome constructive criticism if there is anything I can improve. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's chapter 2. Thank you for those who followed and reviewed! ^^ It means a lot, and the plot will make sense soon I promise. Still don't own Black Butler or any of the characters, I'm working on it though! **

The night passed rather uneventfully considering the circumstances; Grell slept peacefully for the most part, and Undertaker got some more work done on a corpse that had been delivered to him the day before. He never slept much himself, so it was nothing for him to stay up all night; he often did it on his own accord. Only when the first rays of sunlight began to peak through the thick gray clouds that hung almost perpetually over London did he make some hot tea and settle down on the couch for a bit. He made some for Grell as well in case he woke soon and pulled out a book he'd been reading about famous mangled corpses; of course he found it most fascinating. "Mmm, pushed through a wood chipper, my my, that is a sight I'd love to see." He muttered to himself as he flipped through the book like the loon he was.

The first thing Grell became aware of as he began to wake was the pounding in his head; it disoriented him for a moment and he couldn't grasp anything else. He knew he was somewhere strange, where he usually wouldn't be. He knew something had happened that was out of the ordinary. And he felt as if he'd been trampled by a carriage multiple times. He groaned and slowly opened his eyes; thankfully the room he was in was fairly dim and forgiving on his eyes. Of course, without his spectacles he couldn't make out anything, just an off white blur directly above him. He turned his head to the left a bit and could faintly make out someone moving beside him; maybe they would tell him what exactly was going on.

"Where am I?" His voice was uncharacteristically horse and low when he spoke, and it caused him a great deal of pain to do so. He sighed and closed his eyes, placing his hand over his face. "Did I get in a fight with a demon hound or something?"

At this, the person beside him began cackling loudly, and he knew immediately who it was.

"Undertaker?" Then it all came back to him with a painful jolt; he flinched and lowered his eyes, tears springing into them immediately. "Oh, I remember now."

Undertaker ceased his maniac laughter and moved closer to the other man, still grinning but not quite as widely as usual. He spoke softly and kept his tone even as not to upset him more.

"Aye, you were wanderin' around and you fainted, I found you frozen on my doorstep. I think you caught something nasty out there too; probably lucky you didn't die." Undertakers voice was not scolding but neither was it uncaring; Grell just continued to stare down as the tears silently rolled down his cheeks. Undertaker was waiting for the bomb to drop; he knew how melodramatic this one was, and he just _knew _the reaper would snap and go ballistic. He waited, but the redhead remained silent and unmoving, and when he did speak it was quietly and rather calmly.

"Lucky huh? I'm not so sure about that."

Now Undertaker was a bit baffled, which was a rare occurrence mind you. This wasn't like the red reaper _at all. _He must truly have been traumatized by this, so much so that he wasn't himself at all. Of course, it had only been two days since it happened, he was probably still in shock. He reached out and placed a hand on Grell's shoulder, but pulled back, a bit startled, when the younger man jumped violently and shoved his hand away. His cheeks immediately flushed red and he trembled slightly. "Sorry." He muttered, afraid to look up.

Again, Undertaker chuckled softly and shook his head "Nah, it's alright Red, don't worry yourself. I am gonna have to check your temperature though if that's alright. I'm not gonna hurt you." Grell simply nodded once and Undertaker pressed his palm gently to the other reapers forehead, shaking his head again. "My my, you're still rather hot dear. How do you feel?"

"Like I've been hit by a carriage 100 times." He sighed dramatically, sounding a bit more like himself.

"Well, you probably may as well have been. I'll make some tea if you like; I can put some medicine in it."

Grell didn't answer for a moment, then he looked up at the sliver haired man best he could, tilting his head a bit to the side. "Why are you doing this?"

Undertaker just grinned and shrugged his shoulders. "Well what was I gonna do, leave you to die? I like you Red, and it would've pained me to have you dead, although a lovely corpse you would make indeed." He cackled and made his way to the stove to put some water on to boil. Grell smiled a little to himself, the first time he had done so since it happened.

"Thanks. I hope I'm not causing you any trouble darling."

"Nope, not even a little dearie, I swear it." He began humming to himself as he went about preparing the medicine as he had yesterday, while Grell laid back and closed his eyes, relaxing a bit. As afraid as he still felt, for some reason Undertaker's presence calmed him immensely. In fact, everything about him: his face, his voice, even his scent. It made him feel like maybe he could be safe, like he wouldn't be hurt like that again. No, he couldn't think about it anymore; he shuddered a bit and began humming to himself as well, trying to clear his head. He felt himself starting to fall asleep again and didn't try to fight it; within seconds he was out again.

Undertaker glanced over at him and saw this; he grinned at the sight and then turned back to the stove to finish the tea. Now, Undertaker was by no means a jumpy or easily spooked person; it took a lot to startle him. However, what he saw, or rather who he saw, when he turned back around made him jump, it was something to behold. He composed himself rather quickly of course, but was still a bit shocked to see William standing in front of him.

"William?" He glanced behind him to be sure Grell was still asleep, then turned back to the dark haired man in front of him and spoke in hushed tones. "You're supposed to be dead, are you not? What are you doin' here?"

"I assure you that I _am _dead; I was given a ticket of sorts, to visit one person in the living world, no matter if they were human or not, before I go on to the next life. I had Ronald locate Grell for me and since he found him at your shop, I came to visit you." He spoke as if he was explaining the rules of chess; as if nothing was wrong with any of this. "Grell cannot see me, no one can save for you; however I think it best if we move this conversation else were, in case he were to wake and hear you talking to me."

Undertaker nodded and gestured for William to follow him up the stairs. Once both men were in the attic that the stairs led to Undertaker closed the door softly behind him and turned to face the dead shinigami, his gaze serious for once. "So, wanna tell me what the hell is going on dear William?"

William nodded once then closed his eyes, as if he was trying hard to find the right words. "All I'm going to say is I shouldn't have done it; if nothing else, I shouldn't have lost my temper and hurt Grell, and I shouldn't have forced him to witness it. I have no excuses for myself, and I must say I regret my actions; however, there is nothing to be done, it cannot be reversed." William opened his eyes and stared directly into Undertakers, a look of fierce determination in his green orbs, "But _he _can be saved. The rumors of a shinigami dying slowly and painfully if he loses his mate are true, and it will happen to Grell if someone does not intervene; he will be dead within weeks, and will suffer immensely during that time. However, if the afflicted reaper falls in love with another reaper, and able to trust him completely, he can recover and his life can return to normal, all of his memories of his previous bond and partner will vanish. He can never form a sacred bond with another being again, but his happiness and purpose in life will be restored." Will lowered his eyes to the ground. "After this day, after I pass on, I can never see Grell again; my memory will be wiped clean as well." He met Undertakers eyes yet again, a single tear rolling down his cheek, "But I never treated him right in the first place. He never wanted anyone to know, but I was verbally abusive to him, and physically a few times. I could never forgive myself for what I have done, for breaking him, destroying his spirit; I only hope now I will go somewhere that I will suffer all that I deserve. And as for Grell, save him, please. I know you can, he's always been quite fond of you" William smirked a bit, a sad look in his eyes. "This will probably be for the best in the long run; Grell deserves to be happy." The dark haired apparition took a deep breath and glanced up at the ceiling before bowing low in front of Undertaker, who was still trying to take all of this in. "I suppose that is all I have to speak with you about Undertaker. I feel ashamed to have to come to you like this, and to have you know the whole truth, but it cannot be helped; no one can make up for my mistakes save for me. Just make him happy, and I wish you happiness as well. Is there anything you'd like to ask me before I depart?"

Undertaker wasn't sure what he would ask even if he could find proper words; this was perhaps the first time in his entire life that he had been tongue-tied. Him, fall in _love? _With _Grell? _I mean, sure, he liked the redhead, as more than just an acquaintance or even a friend, but he didn't know a thing about love. His head was spinning and it would take a bit of time for it to stop, but he doubted anything William would have to say would improve the situation, so he simply shook his head "I don't believe so, I understand what you are asking of me and I shall do my best, I assure you." He remained serious for once so that the other man would see that he was being sincere; and he was in saying he would try, he just wasn't sure if he would be successful. William nodded and bowed again. "I thank you, now I'm afraid I must be going. I wish you and Grell only the best, farewell Undertaker."

Undertaker nodded and grinned a bit "Goodbye William, and good luck." The dark haired man vanished, never to be seen again. Undertaker felt a pang of sadness but it passed quickly; after all, he wasn't one to dwell on emotions. He exited the attic and walked back down the stairs quietly to check on Grell. The redhead was still asleep and Undertaker decided to leave him be. It was then he remembered the tea he had been making and rushed to the stove, sure that his tea kettle had exploded. To his surprise, he found two cups of tea prepared and the stove turned off; beside them there was a note, on it where two words written in neat, slanted hand writing 'Thank you'. Undertaker walked over to the window and stared out at the snow falling, unsure of how he was going to save the red reapers life, but determined that he would.

**Thanks for reading again, I hope you enjoyed it, please leave me a review if you want! 3**


	3. Chapter 3

**Aaand here's chapter 3. I really hope you guys are enjoying it so far, I'm gonna try and keep updating daily or at least every few days. Still don't own Black Butler or any characters. Grell will be mine one day. **

By the third day Grell spent in Undertaker's shop he was starting to improve physically; his fever broke and he had regained a bit of his strength, enough to sit up at least. He woke that morning, or rather afternoon, to find Undertaker lying in a coffin next to him asleep. Of course he was by his side, he hadn't left it once since the redhead had arrived; the grey haired man was truly concerned about him, for his well-being. It was strange for him, to have someone whom was so kind to him, so gentle with him. William..no, he wouldn't think it, wouldn't even go there. He had forgot for a moment just why Undertaker was clearly so tired, but then he remembered: last night had been a bit of a rough night, for both of them..

"_William, please calm down darling, put the gun away!" Grell screamed, pleaded, got on his knees and begged. But his lover's eyes were crazed and glazed over; he hadn't heard a word that had been spoken to him. William did lower the gun for a moment, but it was only to slap Grell, hard, resulting in the redhead lying on his side. It was then that William proceeded to kick him repeatedly, in the stomach, the face, anywhere he could get to. He kicked him blindly, screaming at him, but not really forming any words. He was always such a stoic man, so calm and collected; but now something inside him snapped, and he became a monster from Grell's worst nightmare. Once he was satisfied and Grell was a bloody mangled mess, tears streaming down his marred face, William stood and took a few steps back from his beloved soul mate, taking his glasses off and tossing them on the ground. With a shaking hand he brought the barrel of the gun to his temple and pressed down, squeezing his eyes shut. Grell watched him from his spot of the floor, but he was unable to move or even speak; he was barely holding on to consciousness. William muttered to final words, so cliché, so meaningless, for if they held any meaning, he wouldn't be standing where he stood. _

"_I'm..sorry."_

_The gun went off, William's head was scattered about the room, and despite the immense pain, before Grell blacked out, he screamed. _

"No! William, no! Don't leave me!" Grell was thrashing violently, so much so he had fallen in the floor and didn't even realize it. He was drenched in a cold sweat and tears were flowing from his closed eyes. Re-living the horrific events were worse than seeing it the first time, but it wasn't just seeing; he could _feel _it too. Undertaker, of course, had been right beside him when he went ballistic out of nowhere. He knelt beside the redhead who had thrown himself off of the couch and grabbed his shoulders, pinning him to the floor to keep him from hurting himself anymore. He spoke loudly yet gently, trying to grab the young reapers attention, trying to pull him out of the hell he was buried in.

"Wake up dearie, it's quite alright now. Just open your eyes and you'll see, I promise."

Grell began to calm a bit and his cries turned to feeble whimpers; after a few moments his eyes shot open and immediately landed on the silver-haired mortician who was leaning over him, smiling down at him gently. "See, it's alright love, I promise you." Undertaker began stroking Grell's long hair, hoping to comfort him. Grell didn't move, he was barely even breathing, and then it hit him: both that William was gone, and that he really was somewhere safe now, with someone who cared. He was completely overwhelmed, and he immediately began to sob, his thin shoulders shaking. Undertaker didn't hesitate in pulling the younger man into his arms, holding him tightly and rubbing his back soothingly "It's alright dearie, just let it all out." Grell buried his face in Undertaker's chest, clinging to his robe tightly. Undertaker just continued to hold him as he cried like a baby and found himself unable to stop, it was as if a huge wave of grief had crashed over him, dragging him into an ocean of despair; William was really gone, and he was never coming back.

Eventually, his sobbing ceased and his tears slowed, then his breathing evened out and he slowly drifted off to sleep; once Undertaker was completely certain he was deeply asleep, he lifted the redhead, frowning a bit upon discovering how light he was, and very gently laid him on the couch, covering him with a blanket and watching him a moment to be sure he didn't stir. When he didn't, Undertaker curled up in the coffin he'd been sleeping in as of late and drifted off to sleep himself, but not before planting a soft kiss on the sleeping reaper's forehead "Sweet dreams love."

Grell sighed and reached up to touch his cheek; the swelling that had been there had gone down, and the bruising had almost disappeared; reapers healed very fast after all. He found it strange that he almost didn't want it all to heal, maybe because it was his final reminder, the last thing his beloved had left him. He sighed once more and picked up his glasses from the end table and put them on, enabling him to see clearly; he then picked up his hairbrush and began pulling it through his long crimson locks; something that always soothed him, ever since he was a child. He had only managed a few strokes before a very soft voice behind him spoke; he jumped and dropped the brush, but upon realizing who it was calmed immediately.

"Would you like me to do that love?"

Grell turned and faced Undertaker with a small smile and nodded "Oh yes, I would very much like that darling." Undertaker picked up the brush and began pulling it slowly through the young reapers hair, cackling upon hearing the small noises of pleasure coming from Grell's throat, almost like the purring of a kitten. After a few minutes, Grell was half asleep and practically laying in Undertaker's lap, when he realized how awful he must look; it had been three days since he had so much as brushed his teeth, his hair was a mess and he had no makeup on, he knew it was a dreadful sight.

"Um, Undertaker?"

"Mm? What is it dearie?"

"Um, might I use your washroom? I'd really like to have a bath if that's alright with you." Grell blushed a bit, feeling embarrassed; Undertaker just chuckled and stood, offering the redhead his hand.

"Of course love, allow me. Careful now, don't stand too quickly." Undertaker helped Grell up and led him to the bathroom where a large marble bathtub sat in the corner. Undertaker sat Grell in a chair next to it and started the water, pouring some bubble bath in it that smelled of roses; Grell inhaled deeply, enjoying the sweet scent. Once the tub was full of steaming water and bubbles, Undertaker turned it off and got a thick fluffy towel down from the cabinet and set it beside the tub, then knelt beside Grell and began unbuttoning his shirt. Again, the redhead's cheeks flushed a bit, but he made no move to stop the mortician as he pulled his shirt off, revealing porcelain skin marred by blue and purple. Undertaker traced his fingers very lightly along the large splotchy bruises but said nothing as he helped Grell strip down to his underwear then turned to leave "Well, I'll give you some privacy. If you need anything I'll be right out here."

"Wait.." Grell couldn't understand why, but for some reason he really didn't want Undertaker to leave him alone. The older man turned to face him, his head tilted to the side a bit and his trademark grin plastered on his face.

"Yes m'dear, what is it?"

"Um, well" Grell lowered his eyes, blushing furiously. Why was his heart fluttering like a hummingbird? And why was he so shy around this man? "Could you, help me? I mean, you don't have to, it's just..well, could you wash my hair for me? There's just so much of it." He couldn't believe the words coming from his mouth and he couldn't bring himself to look up, afraid that he had messed up in asking such a thing. But it was then that Undertaker laughed softly and took a few steps toward Grell, placing a hand under his chin and lifting his face, forcing the redhead to look at him.

"Of course love, I don't mind one bit. Here, I'll turn around so you can get in." As promised he turned to face the wall while Grell stripped his boxers off and slowly lowered himself into the tub, dunking his head under the water to get his hair wet. When he emerged he sighed and closed his eyes, trying not to focus of the blush he could feel on his cheeks.

"Um, you can turn around now, if you want to."

Undertaker turned and walked over to the redhead, unable to pass up the opportunity to tease him a bit. "My my, aren't you a pretty sight. I think I'd like to peak below that water m'lady, I may like what I see."

Grell gaped at him, his face a brilliant scarlet. What had gotten into him? Well, after all, he was renowned for being a bit of a loon; surely that was where this was stemming from. Still, Grell couldn't deny he enjoyed the attention, and being referred to as a lady; very few people seemed to respect his feelings on that particular matter. He grinned, exposing his razor sharp teeth, and decided to play along.

"Oh my, you know so well how to treat a lady don't you? Such a gentlemen with all your flattery!" Undertaker cackled and bowed a bit.

"Of course m'lady, happy to be of service to you. Now then, shall I help you with your hair? It's so beautiful, be a shame if it was pulled or tangled."

"Ohhhh yes darling, you really are quite wonderful, so kind and thoughtful." Grell sat up a bit to give undertaker easier access and closed his eyes, allowing himself to relax as the older man poured some rose scented shampoo on his long hair and began massaging it in, being quite gentle and making sure it was enjoyable for him. Grell moaned softly and undertaker chuckled.

"Oh, so you like that do you dearie?"

"Mmm, I do, it feels so very nice. You're quite skilled with your hands aren't you?"

Undertaker cackled again. "Why yes, I suppose I am, it comes with the job description I suppose."

Grell fell silent, a small smile playing on his lips as he enjoyed the treatment, feeling like a princess for once. William would have never done something like this for him. Bassy certainly wouldn't have. All these men Grell chased after relentlessly, these men who treated him like shit, made him believe he was a worthless idiot. But was it really not true?

William had loved him, he had to, he made the sacred bond with him. Surely he knew how serious that was? Surely that meant he had cared for him?

"Then why did he leave me?" Grell hadn't realized he was speaking out loud until Undertaker's hands stopped moving and he cocked his head to the side.

"Hm? What's that love?"

Grell turned his head and looked up at the silver haired man standing over him; he knew there was no menace in the stance, he knew this man wanted only to protect him. But it brought him back to that day, the way William stood over him when he..no.

"No, no! Please don't hurt me, I beg you!" Grell screamed as tears began to spill over and he started to shake like a leaf, moving away from Undertaker, his eyes huge with fear. "Stay back, please! I'll be good just don't hurt me!"

Undertaker was stunned; where the hell had this come from? Still, he knew how to handle the situation surprisingly well. He put his hands up in surrender and backed away, speaking slowly and softly. "Alright, I'm leaving right now, I'll leave you alone, I promise." Before waiting for a response Undertaker exited the room, shutting the door gently behind him and slumping against the wall outside it. "Damn." He muttered. This was going to be harder than he thought.

In the bathroom, Grell was still in the tub; he'd pulled his knees up to his chest and was crying hard, still trembling violently. He was afraid to move and was unsure if he'd ever be able to face Undertaker again. What the hell was he thinking, what had he done?

The two men then made a realization; both of them really wanted nothing more than to be in each other's arms, to be together. Getting there, however, was another story.

**Thanks for reading, please leave me a review, and thank you to those who have reviewed/followed so far, it means a lot. As always I am open to constructive criticism, just no flames please. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Another chapter, same deal, don't own black butler, enjoy it, please review if you'd like. It's past my bedtime and I'm major tired, so I won't say anymore, just read it, and goodnight 3**

It was several hours before Grell came out of the bathroom and Undertaker was damn sure not going to disturb him; it seemed he just needed time to himself. The silver haired mortician bustled around the shop trying his best to get some work done, but he couldn't resist stopping rather often and listening, straining to hear any sounds that may be coming from the bathroom. He finally sighed and gave up, opting to sit on the sofa and wait, unusually anxious.

Finally, the door opened, very slowly and quietly, and Grell emerged, a thick red robe wrapped loosely around his shoulders and his damp hair glistening like a ruby. His face, of course, was trained to the ground; he didn't say a word or make a move, and he was still shaking very slightly. He just _knew_ he'd messed up this time; would he be thrown out? Would Undertaker hit him, or worse? His mind was busy running over the horrific possibilities and when Undertaker spoke, though he did so very softly, Grell yelped and flinched as if the older man _had _hit him.

"Grell." He paused for a moment upon seeing the redhead's terrified reaction. "Easy, I won't hurt you. I just want to know if you're alright now, that's all."

Grell finally looked up, although he only raised his eyes for a second, then lowered them again "I..I don't know." He muttered, his voice cracking. He tried to keep the tears out of his eyes but it was proving to be very difficult; damn all these emotions, he couldn't seem to control them anymore.

Undertaker was quiet for a moment, then he patted the spot beside him on the sofa "Come here love, sit." At first, Grell shook his head and withdrew a bit, taking a step back. "Grell." Undertaker spoke the reaper's name softly yet firmly, causing him to look up and meet the other man's eyes. "Grell, I will not hurt you, I swear. You don't need to be afraid of me. Now come sit down and relax."

Grell hesitated, but slowly made his way to the sofa and sat down next to Undertaker, feeling a sense of calm wash over him; there was just something about the mortician, and he couldn't quite place it. But then why had he become so afraid earlier?

"Now then, tell me, what's on your mind love?"

Grell sighed. "It's just, sometimes I feel.._safe_, with you, I mean. But then other times, I feel so afraid, and I can't understand why everything is so mixed up, I can't keep my head straight anymore. Not that I could very well before, but.." The redhead pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them tightly, staring at the floor. "Everything is so messed up." He finished in a whisper.

Undertaker nodded, even though Grell wasn't looking at him. "Well, I suppose things are a bit messed up for you dearie; you just went through quite the ordeal, no one would be their normal selves after somethin' like that. It will just take time."

Grell looked up at him, eyes a bit wide. "I still don't understand why you care so much."

"Eh? Like I said before, I couldn't let you die-"

"Yes, I get that part, you already said it." Grell cut him off impatiently. "But you could have saved me then sent me on my way. Why are you letting me stay here, and treating me so kindly?"

Undertaker shrugged, his usual grin on his face. "Because you want me to."

Grell's breath caught in his throat; that thought never occurred to him. He _did _want this, right? Of course he did.

But he'd never said that out loud. So how did Undertaker know?

Grell continued to stare at him, a bit disbelieving. "So that's it, the only reason?"

The silver haired man shrugged again. "Well I like having you around too, it gets lonely here sometimes, and it's nice to have a companion, especially someone as interesting and beautiful as you." At this, Grell blushed furiously, attempting to hide his face, and only getting more flustered when Undertaker giggled in his crazed way.

"Well I..well, thank you, that is very kind of you to say."

Undertaker stopped laughing after a few moments, then he reached over and took the other man's chin in his hand, turning his face towards him. "You've lost your spark you have, I can see it in your eyes. Yes, there was a fire there, a bright flame, so beautiful and warm. It used to dance and glow like a sunbeam; now it looks like it's been put out, or maybe frozen." Undertaker reached up to stroke Grell's hair with his other hand and the young reaper squirmed a bit; all of this scrutiny was making him feel antsy, but it's wasn't necessarily unpleasant. "I will help you get that fire back, we'll reignite it together, and that is a promise Grell Sutcliff."

Grell's eyes widened and he stared at Undertaker in disbelief; he was at a complete loss for words. No one had ever said anything like that to him in his entire life, it made him feel..strange. He averted his gaze and his cheeks glowed red again; he wasn't sure what to say or how to respond. Undertaker bit his bottom lip nervously; had he said too much, overstepped his boundaries? He backed away a bit, not wanting to make the redhead feel uncomfortable. "Well, I'll give you a bit of space." The mortician stood and turned to leave the room, but was stopped by a very small voice.

"Don't leave me."

Grell hadn't moved or looked up as he spoke, only when Undertaker started to cackle did he look up and raise an eyebrow. "And just what is so funny may I ask?"

Undertaker grinned, his eyes glowing a bit, and moved back over to where Grell sat, taking the red reaper's hand and pulling him up off the couch. "Nothing dearie, nothing at all." He pulled the smaller man into his arms and held him loosely but securely. Grell flinched a bit upon the close contact but then relaxed almost instantly; it came so easily to him, this feeling of safety, it was quite blissful. He sighed softly and rested his head against Undertaker's chest, closing his eyes.

"You really mean that? That you'll stay with me?"

Undertaker chuckled softly and kissed the top of Grell's head. "Indeed, as I said it's a promise."

Grell looked up at him, his eyes sad. "Even as damaged as I am? You still want me around?"

Undertaker shook his head. "Now love, you know none of that matters. It doesn't change who you are, and the damage can and will be repaired if I have anything to say about it."

Grell nodded and laid his head back down, sighing again. "If that's what you want."

"It is."

Grell looked up again, gazing into the legendary shinigami's eyes. "Thank you darling. I must say I'm glad I ended up on your doorstep that night."

Undertaker laughed and held the redhead a bit tighter, feeling unsure and worried, but happy for once in his life.

"I am too."


	5. Chapter 5

**Here's chapter 5 ^^ I do hope everyone is still enjoying it, thank you to those who have favorite/followed. This chapter is where the story really starts to develop. **

**Also, this story obviously is set in the 1800's, and I obviously have not lived in the 1800's. So, I'll try my best to keep things accurate, if I get something wrong just bear with me, and feel free to tell me so I can correct it. Thanks!**

**I do not own this wonderful series, Yana gets all the credit. She is my queen ;)**

The deep night was still and silent; all of London was asleep, not a single person was roaming around or making any sounds at all.

That is, until a piercing blood curdling scream broke through the air.

Undertaker was awake, as usual, having far too much on his mind to sleep. He was staring out the window, his keen eyes able to see clearly despite the darkness that was three in the morning. Snow was falling softly, but given that it was nearing the second week of December that was nothing new or surprising. The mortician stared blankly, lost in thought; thoughts mostly consisting of the redhead who was sleeping in the next room.

It was pretty safe to say that at this point in the game Undertaker had a major crush on the young shingami. For one, he was beautiful, from his flowing crimson hair to his porcelain skin, and even some of his stranger attributes, such as his razor sharp teeth; they all made him up, and thus were beautiful.

But it wasn't merely physical; he liked Grell for who he was. His flamboyant enthusiasm, though missing at the moment, captivated him, and his melodramatic tendencies amused him greatly. But more than anything, he truly had a good heart; he had so much love, and despite being rejected and tossed aside and even abused again and again he still gave it freely and without question. He was fun to have around, and anytime Undertaker and he had touched for any reason the man felt his long dormant heart flutter like a hummingbird's wings.

It was something he had never, in his thousands of years of existence, felt or experienced before; it was strange and scary and wonderful and almost magical.

He shook his head and snickered to himself. "Listen at you, you old bat. Now you really _are _sounding like a loon." Of course, talking to himself wasn't helping his case much.

Again, he wasn't startled very often. But when a loud, shrill scream pierced the silence that hung in the air he nearly jumped out of his skin. He was in the bedroom and at Grell's side in an instant, grabbing onto him to prevent him from hitting his head or otherwise injuring himself.

Now, this wasn't the first time Grell had suffered one of these flashbacks since he'd been staying at the undertakers shop; it had been a little over a week now and this had happened nearly every night. However, tonight was different somehow. Grell had always been fair skinned, but right now he was ghastly pale; he was drenched in an ice cold sweat and his eyes were wide open, fixed on the ceiling. There was something off about their color, normally bright green, they seemed rather dull, almost colorless and completely lifeless, as if _he_ wasn't even there. His mouth was wide open, and the screams emerging from his throat sounded like something from a demon possessed being; it was unnerving and certainly unpleasant. Undertaker didn't know what to do, Grell was far beyond seeing or hearing him, and his lips were taking on a blue tint; it seemed breathing wasn't coming too easily to him at the moment. For once in his life, Undertaker was really afraid; what if the redhead suffocated and died, and there was nothing Undertaker could do but sit and watch helplessly? No, he wouldn't let that happen. As Grell continued to scream and fight, _damn _he was strong, Undertaker looked frantically around the room for something, _anything, _he could use to wake the reaper up. There was a small dish of water on the bedside table and Undertaker decided it was worth a shot. He picked it up and splashed the entire thing in the reaper's face, hoping to bring him out of his nightmare and back to reality. It took a moment, but the far off look in the reapers eyes seemed to fade and he slowly came back to his senses, though he was still gasping for air and clearly in pain. He sat up a little and coughed a bit, then he squeezed his eyes shut as if trying to will something away. It became apparent that he had lost when he clamped his hand over his mouth and his skin turned a sickly shade of green. Undertaker quickly placed a wastebasket from the floor in front of him and helped him lean over it, then pulled his long hair back and held it in one hand as the reaper retched violently and what little had been in his stomach came back up. Undertaker rubbed his back lightly in a circular motion, cringing slightly from the awful sounds coming from the other man. After a few minutes, Grell coughed hoarsely and spit into the can. "Are you finished love?" Undertaker asked softly. Grell nodded slightly and Undertaker helped him lay back down, unbuttoning his shirt to help him cool off. He was still sweating profusely and his breathing was harsh and ragged, as if he couldn't seem to get enough air into his lungs. He looked up at the mortician with slightly wide eyes as his breathing sped up a bit, panic starting to set in slightly. Undertaker stroked his face and shushed him soothingly. "Shh, it's alright love, relax, deep breaths for me okay? Wait right here let me go get you some water." Undertaker stood and went into the kitchen, filling a large beaker with cold water and grabbing a small towel and a drinking glass. Within seconds he was back in the room to find Grell focusing hard on slowing his breathing, and it seemed he was having a bit of success. He sat back down on the edge of the bed and soaked the towel in the water. Grell opened his eyes and looked up at him, breathing a sigh of relief as Undertaker began bathing his chest with the towel to cool him off. "Shh, it's alright love, you're okay." He stroked Grell's hair with his other hand and gently washed his face and neck and chest, humming something that was a bit like a lullaby. The redhead slowly relaxed, his breathing and temperature returning to normal, then he smiled up at his savior gratefully, breathing out two words that were barely above a whisper. "Thank you." He then coughed harshly a few times, speaking having put far too much strain on his throat and chest in his current condition. Undertaker shook his head and put a finger to the younger man's lips, grinning at him in his usual manner, deciding the worst must be over.

"Now there's no need to thank me, I care for you very much Red, so of course if you need me I'll be here." Grell nodded, opting not to speak again just yet. "You just get some rest, if you wish to we can talk tomorrow." Undertaker leaned down and kissed the smaller man's forehead, then stood to leave. Grell looked at him sadly and shook his head a few times, hoping Undertaker would get the hint without him having to speak. The silver haired man chuckled and sat back down on the bed. "What's that dear, you want me to stay with you?" Grell seemed to breathe a sigh of relief and nod, his eyelids becoming rather heavy now that the whole ordeal was over. Undertaker lay down beside the redhead and carefully wrapped his arms around his slender waist, pulling his close. Grell yawned and buried his face in the older man's chest, falling asleep almost instantly, his breathing finally slowed down to a normal rate. Undertaker smiled to himself as he watched Grell sleep, marveling at his beauty. He felt all giddy and warm on the inside, something that was quite new and exciting for him. However, another part of his mind was wrapped around what had just happened; he had never seen anything quite like that either. Grell hadn't just been afraid or even terrified; it was far beyond that, enough that it made him physically ill, caused him pain, made him feel as if he was dying.

William's words came back into his mind, that Grell would suffer immensely during the few weeks leading up to his imminent death. This must have been what he meant, because what had happened was far beyond a nightmare, and Undertaker feared this wouldn't be the last time it happened. He remembered what else William had said; that if him and Grell fell in love with each other Grell would be saved. How was he supposed to fall in love with someone in just a few weeks though? He'd never loved anyone in his entire life!

Well, there was one.

"Annabelle." He whispered his former beloved's name, remembering so long ago. The two of them had been betrothed; they were so happy and so in love. She was the only person who could stand to be around him; his strange fascination with death had deterred many from him, not to mention his oddly colored hair and eyes. But Annabelle loved him, so very dearly. She loved his strange quirks, his odd habits, everything. And he had loved her too; she was so beautiful, so wonderful, like an angel. Her fair, lightly freckled skin; her bright crystal-blue eyes; her soft pink lips.

Her fiery red hair.

He gasped softly, remembering the way her long hair danced like a flame around her, vibrant and lively, just like her spirit. She was a strong willed woman; she stood up for what she believed in and never backed down.

Of course, that was what proved to be her downfall.

"_Annabelle, no! Get away from there!"_

_Annabelle turned and faced her beloved, huffing impatiently. "Oh Vincent, you worry far too much. I am perfectly safe; I merely want to see the train. This is one of the first model's in the world! Isn't it exciting?"_

_Vincent chucked and moved closer to her, holding her securely by the waist. "I suppose it is love, this new technology is quite incredible isn't it?" He kissed her cheek lightly "But we can see it just fine from over here, please, let's not risk being injured my sweet." _

_Annabelle sighed but grinned up at him, poking his nose gently. "Fine darling, if that makes you feel better, we can stand over here." The young man breathed a sigh of relief and the two moved to stand several feet away from the tracks, waiting. A few minutes passed and they could hear a loud whistle faintly in the distance; Annabelle squealed excitedly and Vincent laughed, holding her closer._

_It was then that _they _came._

_A group of men who'd had a run-in with Vincent just days earlier; they had threatened his beloved, who was of a wealthy noble family, to take her jewels as well as her body. One of them in particular got rather pushy and violent, and Vincent, unable to properly control his temper, stabbed the man repeatedly until he bled out. That hadn't been his intention of course, he'd never meant to truly harm anyone, but that man had pushed him too far. The other's had been terribly angry, but surprisingly did nothing but make a promise to get revenge, to take what was most precious from him. Stupidly, he brushed them off; after all, how would they find him, and what would they possibly do? _

_How wrong he had been._

_They snuck up on him, giving him no warning whatsoever. There were 6 of them, and they easily overpowered him, three of them throwing him to the ground and holding him down after getting in a few good kicks. The others took Anna, took her by the wrists and tossed her onto the train tracks, sticking her arms and legs under the ridges so she couldn't move. The train was quickly approaching now, and Vincent, despite his desperate screaming and fighting, was unable to do a thing to stop it. _

_With one final scream, and a sickening sound beyond anything he'd ever heard, Annabelle was no more. His beloved, his fiancé, his entire world: Gone. _

_The other men ran off faster than a speeding bullet, leaving him broken and sobbing on the cold ground. He supposed he could chase them, try and exact _his _revenge. But, with Anna gone, what was the point? What was the point in anything, in living?_

_He saw none, no reason to stay alive, so he took out his knife, removing it from its sheath, and held it to his throat, pressing down a bit and feeling his warm blood trickle down, staining the collar of his white shirt. _

_It was then he was discovered by someone, someone not entirely human, someone who was quite interested in him. _

_He was taken away from that world, his memories of his human life erased. Made into something different, something that gave him new purpose, and he remembered nothing of Annabelle_

_That is, until now._

Undertaker snapped out of his memories, shocked at having them all rush back at once, overwhelmed with emotion. He couldn't stop the quiet sobs that began to rack his body, nor his desire to hold Grell closer and bury his face in the reaper's soft red hair, so much like hers had been. Grell was so deeply asleep he was completely unaware of what was going on with the older man, who after thousands of years of forgetting, now remembered every single detail in perfect clarity, as if he was reliving it.

"Anna, no." He whispered in anguish, shaking his head and squeezing his eyes shut. The grief he'd never dealt with was now taking over him, making it hard to breathe or think straight. So he simply laid there, crying and holding Grell tightly, until the sun began to come up, casting a soft glow into the room. It was then he knew he had to stop; he couldn't let Grell see him like this.

But why not?

What would be so wrong with letting the reaper hear his story and see his pain, why should he feel ashamed? He knew Grell would be there for him. He suddenly felt exhausted, all of his emotional energy completely spent, so he finally drifted off to sleep himself, Annabelle's beautiful smiling face playing over and over.


	6. Chapter 6

**Here's the next chapter ^^ For anyone reading I'm sorry about taking a bit longer than usual, I have been quite busy. Anyway, same as always, enjoy, let me know what you think if you wish, I own nothing. **

**And thank you to those of you who are reading and have followed/favorited.**

When Undertaker awoke, it was dark outside; the sun had apparently already set, although there were still faint hints of orange and pink streaking the sky, so it wasn't terribly late. The first thing he became aware of was that Grell wasn't in the bed; this sparked a bit of panic in him, what if he had been taken away? No, he couldn't be gone. It was then he noticed a note sitting on Grell's pillow; the mortician took it and opened it a bit nervously, but breathed a sigh of relief when he saw what it said.

Undertaker,  
I went outside for a bit, don't worry I just wanted some air and didn't want to wake you up. Feel free to join me when you read this.  
Love, Grell 3

Undertaker sighed again and climbed out of the bed, putting his shoes on and walking outside to find Grell sitting outside on the steps in front of the shop; he had a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and was singing softly to himself. Undertaker guessed he'd never heard him sing before, but his voice was phenomenal; he sounded just like an angel. Undertaker stood and listened to him for a bit, in awe of how beautiful the sound was. He then walked a bit closer; he didn't want to startle the redhead, so he cleared his throat rather loudly then walked over and sat down beside him. Grell's eyes were closed and he was still singing, but he seemed to know Undertaker was there; he seemed quite peaceful and relaxed, such a contrast to the night before. It made Undertaker feel a bit better if nothing else. Once Grell finished his song he turned to Undertaker and smiled softly, reaching out to take the other man's hand in his own. Undertaker scooted a bit closer to him and squeezed his hand gently. "Sleep well love?"

Grell nodded. "I did, thanks to you. Thank you for staying with me, and for taking care of me."

Undertaker leaned in a bit and stroked Grell's cheek with the back of his hand. "I'm glad, and you know it was nothing m'lady."

Grell blushed and looked away, his gaze falling on the dark sky and his free hand coming up to rest over his heart. "You're the only one who has ever done that for me, actually referred to me as I wish to be referred as. Anyone else who has ever discovered me to be a "gender-bender" has called me a freak and spat in my face, or simply ignored it. I've never been treated with the respect you give me. It makes me feel like I'm actually worth something." Grell sighed and looked down. "I've never felt that way before you know."

Undertaker looked up at the sky; it appeared he had been wrong about the time. It was not dusk, but rather dawn, meaning he had slept all day and night. The sky was gradually becoming lighter and the gold streaks more prominent, and a peaceful silence hung around them, only interrupted by the two's steady breathing and the occasional chirping bird. Everything was covered in a thick blanket of crisp white snow that glittered in the early morning light, and the air was still and cold, but it was a refreshing cold; one that made you feel more alive. "Well you deserve respect Grell, and you deserve to be treated right. Anyone in your past who didn't see that is a fool. You are wonderful just the way you are, and no one should ever make you feel like that isn't enough." Grell could feel tears springing into his eyes, but it was merely because he was so touched by the mortician's words; he'd sure never thought of himself as wonderful or beautiful, things this man called him regularly. He turned and kissed Undertaker's cheek lightly. "Oh thank you darling, you are quite wonderful yourself, and you truly do know how to treat a lady, and how to make her feel fantastic." Grell then wrapped his arms around Undertaker and hugged him tightly, causing the older man to laugh, and that laughter chased away some of the pain he was feeling, along with Grell's mere presence.

"Grell, I remembered something last night.." Undertaker wasn't sure why he was opening up about this, but he really felt like he could talk to Grell, and this was far too difficult for him to cope with alone.

"Oh? And what was it dear?" Grell pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his head on them, facing Undertaker and letting him know he was listening. Undertaker hesitated for a moment, unsure of how to talk about his feelings.

"Well, I wasn't born a shinigami you know; I was born human, and lived as such for a little while. I can't remember how old I was when that changed." Grell nodded, urging him to continue. "I guess when I became a shinigami they wiped all my memories of my human life clean, I had no recollection of any of it, until last night." He took a deep breath and looked down, his eyes and face hidden by his hair. "There was this girl, Annabelle. I was in love with her, we were engaged to be married, and _they _took her away." Undertaker clenched his teeth, trying to keep his temper in check; the more he thought about it the angrier he became. Grell gasped softly and squeezed Undertaker's hand lightly, hoping to calm him some.

"Oh darling, I am so sorry. Might I ask _who_ took her away?"

Undertaker sighed and shook his head a bit. "They were angry with me, there was a disagreement, and it got out of hand. I took from them first, and then they took the most important thing from me, my whole life." The normally chipper man had to blink back tears; he lowered his head to be sure his eyes were completely hidden under his bangs. Of course, Grell saw right through his façade; the redhead wrapped his arms around Undertaker and pulled him close, rubbing his back gently. Undertaker couldn't prevent a few tears from falling, but strangely enough he couldn't find it in him to care. He sniffed and leaned his head against Grell's shoulder, soothed by the reapers soft voice.

"Shh, hush now darling, it's alright."

Undertaker nodded a bit and whispered, not trusting his voice at the moment. "I miss her."

"I know you do love, as I miss William. It seems we have both loved and lost." Grell sighed. "It's not fair, is it?"

Undertaker took a deep breath and pushed his hair completely out of his face, looking directly into Grell's eyes with his own piercing yellow ones; Grell's breath caught in his throat and he stared back with wide eyes, completely entranced.

"Well, we have each other at least, right?"

Grell just nodded, unable to find any words, or even exhale. It was then, sitting on the front porch of Undertaker's shop in the soft light of the rising sun, that it hit him.

Grell was falling hard and fast for Undertaker.

He couldn't manage to pull his gaze away, nor could he move away from Undertaker even a little; in fact, he found himself being pulled in, as if the mortician was a magnet. His heart was racing and his palms were a little sweaty; Undertaker moved a bit closer as well, his cheeks darkening a bit. Before his head could start spinning any more than it already was, Grell closed the small amount of distance between the two of them and crushed his lips against Undertaker's. The silver haired man tensed up for a second but then he kissed the redhead back eagerly, hungrily, tangling his fingers in the soft crimson locks, parting his lips and pressing his tongue against Grell's mouth, begging for entrance. Grell complied, and their tongues danced together, their bodies instinctively moving closer without a single thought. Grell's razor-sharp teeth nicked Undertaker's tongue slightly, but somehow that only added to the appeal of it all; still, the reaper was trying to be careful, and he had kissed enough men and women that he had plenty of expertise in the area. Grell was seeing stars and felt as if he was flying, there was electricity between them that lit his veins on fire. Undertaker mirrored his feelings and his passion in the way he moved against the other man; finally the two broke apart, breathless and panting, staring at each other with wide eyes.

There were so many things they could say to each other, so many thoughts buzzing through their minds, so many words they could find to express how they were feeling, but words didn't seem necessary; their eyes said it all.

Grell pecked Undertaker softly on the lips and grinned like the Cheshire cat, exposing his shark like teeth.

"Yes, we have each other."

Undertaker chuckled and pulled the red reaper into his arms and kissed the top of his head.

Perhaps each other was all they needed.


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry for the long wait guys, I've been quite busy, and I have the next chapter after this one written but from then on I'm not sure where to take this exactly, I will be open to suggestions once I get to that point. But for now, just enjoy this chapter, and please let me know what you think. **

The two sat outside for a while longer, watching the sun rise and the city slowly wake up. Eventually the snowfall increased and they were forced to make their way back inside to warm up. Grell had mostly recovered from his illness but was still feeling quite weak due to not being able to eat much for a week. He flopped down on the couch and sighed happily and Undertaker leaned down and kissed his forehead; it didn't frighten Grell at all like it normally would have, perhaps that meant he was recovering.

"Now then, would you like something to eat m'dear? I can make something for us if you like."

Grell nodded. "That would be lovely darling, thank you. I must admit I'm quite hungry."

Undertaker was about to reply when there was a knock on the door. Before he could respond to that, the door swung open and Ciel barged in, followed closely by Sebastian. Undertaker cackled in his creepy manor and darted over to the young earl, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Well hello there young Earl, to what do I owe the pleasure? Ready to be fitted for one of me coffins?"

Ciel sighed and rolled his eyes. "No, that is not why I'm here."

Sebastian stepped forward and bowed slightly with his hand over his chest. "Do forgive us for the intrusion, we just can't seem to find Lau, have you seen him anywhere as of late?"

"Eh?" Undertaker frowned and tilted his head to the side. "But I thought he was-" He stopped speaking when Sebastian shook his head sharply, being sure Ciel wasn't watching him. It was then Undertaker remembered; Ciel's memories had vanished, and somehow Lau _was _alive. "Oh, I'm afraid I haven't seen him. I reckon he's off getting himself in trouble as usual."

Ciel sighed impatiently; it seemed he was in a bad mood on this particular day. "Very well. Yes, I suppose you are right. It seems the opium trade is getting a bit out of hand; some thugs have been running the streets and causing a bit of trouble. We have to put a stop to this before it goes too far, but I fear for that we need Lau."

"Well, have you checked his den? Or somewhere there are many pretty females? He's sure to be there." Undertaker chuckled and Ciel failed to see the humor in the situation; then again, he usually did when Undertaker was involved. "Well, you're here now, may as well have some tea, I was just about to fix breakfast."

"Certainly, that would be most appreciated."

Ciel sighed again; didn't they realize there was no time to waste? He turned to Sebastian and told him just that. "Sebastian, you do realize there is work to be done, do you not?"

Sebastian just smiled. "My lord, it will be no trouble. These criminals are amateurs who clearly have no idea what they are doing; we will be able to solve this case easily. Now, why not relax for a bit? It is terribly cold outside, I'd rather you not be out too long lest you become ill."

"Tch. I'm not so fragile, and while we are "relaxing" these freaks could be causing mayhem and her majesty would not be pleased."

"Oh young master you worry far too much. Besides, these "freaks" as you coined them only seem to be working after night falls. I think we can afford an hour or so to rest."

Ciel shook his head but argued no further; he simply sat down on one of the coffins near the door, making it clear he was not at all pleased. Sebastian sighed; his master could be such a brat sometimes.

Grell had been silent up until this point, simply listening to their conversation; that is until Sebastian walked over to him. "Hello Grell, how are you fairing?" Sebastian braced himself to be pounced on by the flamboyant red head, but to his great surprise it didn't happen. Grell just grinned and spoke rather calmly.

"Why hello Bassy, I am quite alright and yourself?"

Sebastian was a bit stunned; Grell was quite different, and he didn't seem to be overly depressed or unhappy. Something strange was going on here, but the demon decided not to question it, rather enjoy it while it lasted. "I am quite well, I thank you for asking. You seem to be settled in here nicely."

Grell nodded eagerly, a bit of his flamboyance returning. "Oh Undertaker is just a doll, he can treat a lady so well! He makes me melt with his mere presence!"

Sebastian's eyebrow twitched a bit. "Yes, well that is good to hear, I suppose."

Undertaker then returned to the living room of sorts pushing a metal cart with a variety of different breakfast foods and a pot of tea. Ciel and Sebastian declined to eat anything opting to just have tea, and Grell ate enough food for three people much to Undertaker's amusement. Once Ciel finished his tea he rushed Sebastian out the door. Before leaving Sebastian bowed to the two of them. "I thank you for the tea. Good day." With that they were both gone, and Grell and Undertaker were alone again.

"Well love, are you feeling better now?"

Grell blushed a bit and grinned. "I am, thank you darling. I fear my behavior has been most unladylike."

"Not at all dear, I'm just glad you're feeling better."

"Mmhmm." Grell closed his eyes and leaned his head on Undertaker's shoulder. "If it wasn't for you I would be dead. At first I wanted that, to die, you know. But now I couldn't be happier."

Undertaker grinned and wrapped his arm around Grell, holding him tightly. "Me either love."

They stayed like this for a few minutes before Undertaker decided he wanted to kiss Grell again; he hadn't kissed anyone like that in so long and it had felt quite nice. Grell on the other hand was a bit more promiscuous, but actually could be very loyal to someone who he cared deeply for. Undertaker lifted Grell's face to his and kissed him gently on the lips, to which Grell grinned widely and giggled, kissing him back and winding his fingers in his long silver hair. Grell pressed his body closer to Undertaker's, moaning softly and arching his back a bit as he welcomed Undertaker's tongue into his mouth. Undertaker pushed Grell back on the couch so that he was on top of him straddling him. Grell tensed up, a bit nervous, but it didn't last long; he trusted Undertaker and felt safe with him around, and he liked the way his heart fluttered whenever he was near.

That's when it all happened.

There was yelling outside the shop; the two pretty much ignored that; it wasn't terribly uncommon to hear. However, when the gunshots were fired, something inside Grell snapped. His mind, fragile and cracked as it was, completely shattered; Grell was gone, and something else had taken over.

He pushed Undertaker off of him and jumped off the couch, his eyes crazed and feral, like a cornered wild animal. He jumped on top of Undertaker and screamed incoherently at him, punching his face over and over. Of course, physically harming Undertaker wasn't an easy thing to do; but Grell was close to the same level of physical strength as the legendary shinigami, so it was difficult for him not to cry out upon being struck. Once it appeared Grell had had his fill, he stood and kicked Undertaker a few times, his eyes making it clear he was far past recognition of anything; the phrase seeing red popped into Undertaker's mind and he thought it so ironic, given how Grell loved the color red. He didn't try to reason with the redhead, for he knew there was no hope; Grell seemed inhuman, like a monster. However, when the reaper tried for the door to leave the shop Undertaker stood and hobbled over to the door, panting from the pain and effort, and stood in front of it.

"You're not going anywhere right now, don't even think it." Undertaker spoke calmly yet firmly, successfully hiding the faint tremor in his voice. Grell narrowed his eyes and studied him for a moment, then snarled at him and grabbed him, roughly throwing him out of the way. There wasn't much Undertaker could do given the current state he was in, he could only watch in horror as Grell kicked the door out, walked outside and seemed to come to his senses right before he was shot straight through the chest.

**Uhm, I'm sorry I'm an evil author. But of course Grell will be okay, right? Guess you guys will find out soon. **


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey guys ^^ Here is chapter, 8, am I right? Anyway, same stuff as always applies, I don't own Kuroshitsuji or any of the characters, enjoy & please let me know what you think.**

Grell fell to the ground, his body completely limp and his blood rapidly staining the pure white snow deep crimson. Undertaker managed to get to his feet and stumble outside to where the redhead lay, pressing a hand to his cheek, alarmed by how cold he already felt. He was about to turn and run somewhere, _anywhere, _to find help for his beloved, but lucky for him a carriage came to a stop beside them and Sebastian jumped down from the driver's seat, his crimson orbs wide. "Grell? What happened here?"

Undertaker, so calm and level headed, was a trembling bloody mess. He turned to the raven haired demon with pleading eyes. "He was shot, never mind me, we have to get him to the hospital." Sebastian nodded and lifted Grell bridal style, opening the door of the carriage and setting his lifeless body on the seat opposite Ciel, who was watching the scene in disbelief. "Sebastian, what is the meaning of this?"

"It seems Grell has been shot young master, we must get him to the hospital immediately. I shall take you home after."

Ciel nodded, still staring at Grell with wide eyes. "Very well, let us go then." Sebastian hopped back up to the front of the carriage and helped Undertaker up, then he snapped the reins and sped off toward the hospital. Once there, he ran inside and seconds later the doctors rushed out with a stretcher and opened the door, loading Grell's body onto it and rushing him inside. Undertaker jumped down from the carriage and turned to Sebastian, a bit calmer now, at least on the outside.

"Thank you, I'll stay and make sure he's alright."

Sebastian nodded and jumped back into the driver's seat. "Very well then, I wish you good luck." He bowed and then sped off once more, leaving Undertaker alone. Strange, he'd never minded being alone before; now it was an unsettling feeling, one he was not fond of at all. He shivered lightly then walked inside where he was greeted by a young nurse.

"Good day sir, I trust you are with the redhead who was just taken back?"

Undertaker nodded. "Indeed, I am a friend of his."

She nodded and pulled out a clipboard. "Right then, they have him in surgery now, I'm sorry but they are unsure just yet if he will make it or not, we will let you know when we have some more information. Now, if I could just get you to fill out a bit of information on the victim." She handed him the clipboard and a pen, "Please bring it to me when you are done and then you may wait in here."

Undertaker sat down in a chair in the corner of the room; he was the only one there besides the nurse at the front desk. He filled out all of Grell's basic information with a shaking hand, lying about his age of course.

He remembered something he had learned long ago; how reapers were so different than demons, so much more like humans. They required sleep and food like humans did, but like demons they did not need to breathe and were nearly invincible; however, one thing the reapers shared with humans was that if they should be shot straight through the heart, death would soon follow, and there was absolutely no coming back from it. In a reaper, the heart and the brain are the only two vital organs; everything else they could live without, if necessary. Whenever a reaper is shot, the closer the bullet is to one of those two vital points, the more detrimental it is to them; for example, if they are shot in the leg, it would barely faze them, but if they are shot in the chest it will have a much stronger affect. The way Grell had fallen immediately, the amount of blood that had instantly spilled out from him, was quite worrisome to say the least; he had never seen a reaper take a shot so hard and come out alive.

He couldn't prevent his mind from conjuring the image of Grell, snow white and ice cold, lying perfectly still in one of his coffins, his eyes closed, never to open again..

No, it was too much; he couldn't think it any longer. He clutched his head in his hands, long nails digging into his temples a bit. Everyone had always thought of the mortician as insane, crazy, a lunatic. He used to believe insanity was indeed a happy feeling, a peaceful joyous state of mind to have. Laughter was what took him there, took his mind to a happy place. He never thought of anything else, never imagined feeling any other way.

But this; it was a like a sharp blade had been jabbed in his chest, and it was slowly being turned and twisted, over and over. He wanted to cry out but didn't think he could if he tried; his voice was lost, his mind was even more so.

All this over the thought of losing the lovely red reaper, over losing another being.

His laughter wouldn't save him now, he could no longer reach his happy insanity; he was now in a different place, much darker, even scary. He couldn't stand it, he couldn't lose Grell, not when he _loved _him.

Had he just thought that? Loved him?

Yes, he did love the other man, and he didn't care if it was wrong or forbidden or crazy; he needed Grell to be with him, forever.

Surely that wasn't being ripped away from him just as he made the realization.

"Keep going with the CPR, get me the paddles quick! We're losing him!"

In the operating room, Grell was not having the same revelation Undertaker had just had; he was far too busy fighting for his life, just barely hanging on by a spider's thread. Of course, he was unaware of anything going on around him, he was completely unconscious, his heart pumping sporadically like an old worn out machine, threatening to give out at any second.

Because the bullet _had _indeed pierced it; the doctors we're doing absolutely everything they knew how to, but his prognosis looked rather bleak.

Inside his head it was still and quiet and black; he wasn't alive enough anymore to form coherent thoughts or feelings, or to even realize he was still alive at all. He was slipping away by the second, and hopelessness hung heavy over the room as that realization made itself known to everyone.

Still, they would not give up, not yet. "Alright, everyone stand back, clear!"

The doctor pressed the paddles to Grell's pale chest and sent a jolt through him, his body jumping off the table a little. He repeated the process twice more, the third time getting no response at all. He went back to pumping Grell's still heart with his hands, and it did give one more weak beat, the last it would ever give, for after that it went still and fell completely silent, the last little bit of life in the redhead's body draining away.

They still tried for a few more minutes of course, but then had to accept the cold hard reality. This lovely young redheaded man had been at the wrong place at the wrong time, had gotten caught up in an altercation between street thugs, and had been shot in just the right place so that there was no saving him despite their greatest efforts.

Grell Sutcliff, everyone's beloved red reaper, was really dead.

**I'm sorry to the feels I just crushed. I am an awful person. Uhm, still leave me a review anyway, even if it's just to yell at me? Welp, I'm gonna go cry in a corner, bye. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Oh my gosh, I am so sorry, I know I know I am a terrible person! I cried myself whilst writing it. But I promise I have had a plan this whole time. Just read this and you'll see **** I don't own Kuro, review if you like it, all that stuff. **

The funeral arrangements had all been made; every red rose in the Phantomhive manor's garden had been picked and placed into beautiful intricate arrangements that doused the large sanctuary with bright color. Not many were gathered of course, it was a small affair. Most of the shinigami realm was present, some were crying while others were just staring, as if unable to believe this was really happening. Despite his flamboyant and rambunctious nature, Grell was greatly loved and admired by many of his now successors, and no one would ever be able to forget him.

Yes, the shinigami realm was now a dismal place; losing William and Grell leaving had kept things quiet and boring and rather depressing. None of them even knew what they were supposed to do now; was this the future they were predestined for? If so, they could quite frankly do without.

Sebastian and Ciel were their too; no one else knew Grell much so they had all stayed at home. Neither the young Earl nor his demon butler were overly emotional over the death of the redhead; after all, Sebastian was a demon and Ciel honestly never cared much for him, but they weren't happy about it of course. Sebastian at least liked Grell a bit more than he had liked William, but it was the lesser of two evils for him; the only reason he had tolerated them was because they weren't a direct threat to his master, once Grell's killing streak was sated anyway.

It was a bright clear day outside; a beautiful day indeed, and many people were out celebrating and getting some fresh air. However, the atmosphere of one particular place was anything but bright.

Undertaker wasn't at the church yet; in fact, neither was the corpse. It had of course fallen on him to prepare Grell for the ceremony, and from a professional standpoint it shouldn't have been too hard; the corpse was nearly untouched, though boring and not at all fun, it made clean up quite simple. The natural beauty of the subject also made the beautifying process effortless, it shouldn't have taken more than an hour to make it look immaculate.

And in Undertaker's case, emotion rarely got in the way; he rarely ever showed it, or even felt it for that matter. He was always happy because his life had been simple and routine, he never let anyone or anything in that would bring about complexities.

"I should've never brought you in that night. You see what you did? You've taken everything."

Undertaker was muttering to the lifeless form in front of him, but of course his words fell on deaf ears; or actually, _dead _ears.

He couldn't quite bring himself to move from the corner he was curled up in, nor to look at his subjects face. He just sat there, staring at the ground and muttering to himself every now and then.

Because this wasn't a professional thing, it wasn't a simple or routine thing. Grell had brought those complex emotions into Undertaker's life, and just as he had been adjusting to all the new feelings and memories Grell left, and brought even more complications and pain into his life, more than he ever could have thought possible, and far more than he could take.

_Why?_

Undertaker couldn't deny he was pissed; he felt wronged, he felt cheated. It was like Annabelle again; he had fallen in love than lost it.

He had loved and lost.

He remembered at some point in his life hearing that phrase, and hearing someone say it was better that way.

"Tch. Better than what?" Undertaker stood and slowly made his way to the window, hands balled into fists at his side. "How is this better than not loving? How is this better than my life was before you came along?" Undertaker shivered, his shop feeling eerie and cold for the first time he could ever remember. That was probably how it felt to everyone else, he thought. He'd never thought so, not while he'd been wrapped in his blanket of happy madness. But now that was gone, had been stripped away, and he was left exposed, raw, naked, with nothing to cling to; the despair and heartache was starting to slowly close in on him, and he had no way to stop it, nothing to quell or sate it. It was going to devour him whole, and he would never be able to escape now. _What the hell am I going to do? _Maybe dying would be a good option; maybe he could just slouch in the corner and slowly waste away, along with his beloved. They could be together somehow after all.

Perhaps this is what real madness feels like.

His mind felt like it was burning, rotting away; his soul? Hah. If he even had one anymore it was shredded and blown away by a bitterly cold wind, ice biting through and freezing him from the inside out. There was nothing left, the pain was crashing over him like a wave, that was all he had, all he would ever have anymore. His life was over, he was gone, too far gone to be saved or helped. He couldn't make it through; there wouldn't be anyone to save him this time.

He slumped to the floor and crawled in the corner under a table, completely hidden from sight and where no light hit him. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to hold of the onslaught of tears, but to no avail; they began falling rapidly, and a few choked sobs escaped his throat. He knew this was the end for him; this was how he died.

Better to have loved and lost huh? Maybe it was, maybe death was the only way to truly live, to suffer one's death was a beautiful and wondrous thing, and now he would welcome it as it finally came to claim him.

After all, he had no interest in this world without his beloved red reaper.

As he curled up in a ball and finally allowed the sorrow to consume him, on the other side of the room the lifeless red headed corpse sat, still and silent, no longer a part of life.

But what no one realized was that deep inside his chest his heart was beginning to pump ever so slightly, perhaps bringing life back into him.

**See, see? Everything is more than likely going to work out for the best :D This chapter is so short, I am so very sorry for that, but I really had no other way to do it. I believe I am nearing the end of this one, probably two more chapters after this one. And I may or may not be thinking on a sequel. And I promise I will update as soon as I can, maybe tonight or tomorrow. **


	10. Chapter 10

**Well, I suppose this is the final chapter. I didn't really plan for it to be, but that's just how it happened. However, there will be an epilogue, because this story is missing something very important: Yaoi! Again, it didn't go according to plan, but I think overall I'm satisfied with it. I'll try to get the epilogue up in the next couple of days, then on to the sequel. And about that, I have an idea, thanks to one of my lovely reviewers, and my idea involves mpreg. So, I want to know what you guys think of that, do you like it or does it weird you out? Leave me a review or you can PM me, and if you have any suggestions/things you'd like to see in the future let me know. I always appreciate any kind of feedback. I'll shut up and let you read now, enjoy ^^ and I guess I still own nothing. **

_Where am I? Why do I feel so light, like I'm floating? What happened?_

It took Grell a moment to be able to open his eyes, and once he did he was blinded by white light; well, white _everything. _All he could see was white, stark and pure, unmarked by any other color. He tried to move, but he couldn't find his legs; _what is this place? What's going on?_

"Grell Sutcliff."

Grell started a bit and looked around frantically; that voice sounded strangely familiar, but he just couldn't place it. He heard light footsteps behind him and felt a bit nervous, not even daring to breathe.

"Sutcliff, get up."

_I can't. _

"Get up, I know you can."

_Who are you?_

"Grell, just get up."

Grell struggled for a moment, but was finally able to find his body and regain his sense of feeling, and he gracefully got to his feet and spun around to face the other man; when he saw who it was he nearly fell back down.

"William? But, you're-"

"Dead. Yes, you're quite right Sutcliff, and so are you."

"I'm…dead?" Grell stared at the raven haired man with wide eyes, disbelieving. "How, what happened?" Panic started to set in; Grell's breathing accelerated and he clutched at his chest. He couldn't even remember or figure out anything that was going on, and he couldn't get his mind to stop spinning at a dizzying rate.

William sighed and closed his eyes, adjusting his glasses and speaking in an even voice. "Sutcliff, please calm down, listen to me and I will explain everything." The dark haired shinigami opened his golden eyes and locked them on Grell's emerald ones. "Just calm yourself okay?"

Grell nodded and fell silent, allowing his former beloved to speak.

William lowered his eyes to the ground and spoke softly but clearly. "I don't know what you remember Grell, but I am dead by choice. I left you, and the living world. I took my own life." He looked up and met the redhead's eyes with a piercing gaze. "Do you remember Grell?"

Grell _did _remember, and the realization stung quite a bit; however, he just nodded, keeping his face as neutral as possible, and allowed William to continue speaking.

"For that, I am sorrier than you could know. I am sorry for all the pain I've ever caused you, for the way I treated you; it wasn't right or fair."

"I loved you, I really loved you William. And you just left me. How could you?"

William didn't react to Grell's harsh words; rather he lowered his head slightly. "I know, I should have been honest with you from the beginning, that I didn't know how to love. I thought…I thought I would figure it out, but I was wrong."

Grell shook his head. "I don't understand why. Why you felt the need to lie to me so, and hurt me like this." He cast his eyes downward, trying to keep the tears out of them. It took him by surprise when William stepped forward and wrapped his strong arms tightly around the smaller man; Grell couldn't help but immediately bury his head is William's chest and sob, his shoulders shaking. William rubbed circles on his back and held him firmly, allowing him to release all his pent up emotion and anger however he needed to. He cried hard for several minute then finally pulled away a bit, looking up at William, face splotchy and eyes bloodshot. "Oh Will, why did this happen to us?"

William sighed softly. "I don't know; maybe because I am an idiot, and because you deserve so much better." Grell started to protest but William brought his finger to the redheads lips to silence him, looking directly into his eyes, speaking with more emotion than Grell had ever heard from him. "Yes, you deserve better, the very best. You are none of the things I always told you that you are; worthless, stupid, a waste of space. I had no right to speak to you that way, and every bit of it is lies. You deserve true love and happiness, everything you have ever wanted." By this point tears were streaming openly from Grell's eyes. "Oh William." He whispered, clinging tighter to the dark haired man. "I…thank you William. That means more to me than you could ever know. But, William?"

William looked down at him, his stoic manner returned. "Yes, what is it Grell?"

Grell sniffled a bit and lowered his eyes. "Well it's just…I'm, dead, right? How can I find true love and happiness when I'm no longer alive?"

"Because Grell, you can go back." William said it as if it was as simple as turning and walking in a different direction and Grell knew he must have heard him wrong.

"I can…what?"

"I can send you back to the living world, as a reaper I have the power to do that one time for another reaper, it's a gift we all acquire when we die. Very few actually know of it and use it, but if you wish, I can give it to you."

Grell nodded, trying to remember what his life on earth was like; he couldn't recall anything that happened after William's death. The memory made him shudder delicately and William could guess what was on his mind; he placed his fingers under Grell's chin and raised his face so he could look him in the eyes.

"Grell Sutcliff, believe me when I say to you that you need to return to the living world. You have much there, and once you return you will remember, but for now you just have to trust me and go back. Can you do that, can you trust me?"

Of course Grell trusted him, and he believed things in the living world would be better for him, he could feel that was where he needed to be. He knew he should go back, he _wanted _to go back.

But he didn't want to leave William, and never see him again.

Rather than answering he clung tighter to William and buried his head in his chest, whimpering softly. William tightened his arms around him and rested his chin on top of his head, stroking his soft crimson hair.

"I know Grell, I know you don't want to go. You can, of course, stay here if you wish. But I'm telling you, you need to go. I am trying to do what is best for you, please believe me and go. Please?" William pleaded softly, hoping he would get through to the younger shinigami, knowing if he could just get him to leave he could be happy again. It took a few minutes, but slowly Grell moved away, not daring to look his beloved in the eyes. "Okay, I'll go back. But, I'll always miss you William, and I'll never forget you." Grell's voice cracked and tears continued to flow, but he allowed William to take his hand and lead him to the edge of the cloud they were apparently standing on. "Now, all you have to do is jump; I'll take care of the rest, and you will be back to where you belong." A sob escaped the redhead throat but he squeezed his eyes shut and nodded. He wanted so badly to hug William one last time, or kiss him, or even just look at him; but he knew he would falter in his resolve, and he couldn't take the pain anymore. "Goodbye William, I love you, forever." With that, he leapt agilely off the plushy surface he stood on into the blank nothingness, keeping his eyes shut the entire time. William stared after him for a moment, then murmured to himself before wandering away, back to where he resided.

"I love you too Grell."

No time passed as Grell fell back to earth, back to the living world. Once he found himself waking up it felt as if his body had never moved at all; then again, he guessed it hadn't, only his soul had been transported. When he awoke and opened his eyes he found himself staring at a dark ceiling, and felt he was in a small closed in space. That was all there was and he still couldn't remember a thing; he just felt cold and alone. He wrapped his arms around himself as the tears started again, despair overwhelming him; had William lied, about all of it? Did he really hate him and just want him out of the way for good, without caring what happened to him? Maybe he was just worthless and a waste of space.

He had begun to sob audibly, rolling onto his side and curling up into a ball to try and quell the pain in his chest, but to no avail.

He had no idea someone else was in the strange shop with him, nor that they could hear him; he had no clue that the reason William had urged him to return was sitting right beside him in disbelief.

Undertaker sat in the dark corner under the table for what seemed like hours; he cried until he had no more tears, then he rested his head against the wall and drifted off, having vivid nightmares that would send him jolting awake in terror. Finally he got tired of it and decided to go outside and get a bit of air, hopefully to clear his head. He crawled out from under the table and was about to head outside when he heard it; small whimper-like sounds coming from the back of his shop. Confused and a bit wary, he slowly made his way to the source of the noise, then realized with a gasp it was coming from Grell's coffin. He peered inside hesitantly, his mouth flying open upon discovering that the red headed corpse was _moving. _Not only that, he was crying too.

Undertaker blinked a few times, fearing he really had gone insane; there was no way a corpse was moving, and no way was Grell alive.

But after a few moments, he realized his eyes were not deceiving him. He didn't know how, or why, but he didn't really want to question it; he just wanted to have the redhead back in his arms, where he belonged. He leaned over, careful not to startle him, and called his name very softly.

"Grell?"

Grell jumped a bit, then looked up, toward the sound of the voice. As soon as he laid eyes on Undertaker everything came rushing back to him, and he sprang out of the coffin and threw himself into a stunned Undertakers arms, clutching whatever part of him he could grab tightly and all but wailing, overwhelmed with emotions; sorrow at losing William, shock at all that had just transpired, and elation at being back here, in this shop, with the man he loved.

Undertaker wanted so badly to ask him what happened and how the hell he was alive, but he could see the young shinigami didn't need to be questioned just now; he just needed to be reassured. So Undertaker held him tightly and stroked his hair.

window and sat down, pulling the redhead into his lap and allowing a few tears of his own to fall; tears of pure joy and happiness. They stayed like that for quite a while, then eventually Grell's tears came to a stop and he looked up at Undertaker, still beautiful despite the mess his face and hair had become.

"Oh Undertaker, is it really over? We're free to be together now, forever?"

Undertaker couldn't help but chuckle. "Oh yes m'lady, forever. I promise."

Grell grinned, flashing his razor sharp teeth and then leaned up to kiss Undertaker, slowly at first but then passionately, hungrily. Undertaker gladly kissed him back, winding his fingers in deep crimson hair and pushing the smaller man back on the couch. Grell was all too happy to cooperate and they kept at it for several minutes before the broke apart, faces flushed and panting lightly.

Grell realized all the fear he had before had vanished; he felt no anxiety whatsoever about letting this man have him, all of him. He trusted him with his heart, his body, his soul, his very life. He wanted to tell him that, or better yet, to _show _him. But it would have to wait until morning, as both men were exhausted after having such a trying day. Undertaker stood and picked Grell up, carrying him bridal style to the bedroom and laying him gently on the bed. He curled up beside him and wrapped his arms around Grell's skinny waist, pulling him close and kissing the back of his neck gently.

Grell moaned in pleasure, wanting to go further, to go all the way. But he couldn't stay awake any longer, so he simply snuggled deeper into his beloved's chest and murmured. "I love you."

"I love you too." Undertaker smiled to himself before settling in comfortably and allowing a deep peaceful sleep to claim him, knowing that their forever was just beginning.

Sebastian had sensed something had changed before he left the church; he could sense that somehow, the red headed shinigami was alive. All it took was one peak in the window of Undertaker's shop to confirm this, and he smiled lightly at the sight of the two curled up together before rushing back to the church to dismiss everyone, coming up with a flawless explanation as usual.

He sighed as he ran; maybe Grell would at least leave him alone now.

**Sappy ending, right? Yeah I know. Oh well, I hope you liked it. You guys are awesome, Siriusly.**

**As one of my lovely reviewers pointed out (the review is missing now so I actually could have just imagined it) I never did say any more about the fact that everyone was waiting at the church for the funeral. Thank you, and I fixed that now. Also, I'm not sure I'm going to do an epilogue, I have a ton of ideas for the sequel and am quite anxious to get started on it, and there will be plenty of heavy yaoi in it. So be looking out for that soon ^^**


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